My Corticosteroids

A few weeks ago a new colleague asked if he could ride with me to an event our department was giving. “Sure” I responded “
He continued, ”And depending on what time you are leaving, if it is the same time that I am leaving could I also ride with you home?”
I hesitated and thought, Aaaah why not? we both live in the same city, it’s dark and cold, why allow that poor man to go by bus when I could give him a lift. “Okay no prob” I answered.

It turned out that He only wanted to stay for the happy hour drinks after all and I was staying longer for the dinner. Secretly I was relieved! It had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with me, I just don’t enjoy making small talk at a time when I don’t wish to, and after a day of working and chit-chat, driving home in my car was ‘me time’, chilling-out, shaking the cobwebs of work out of my system before I reach home. That's then the other side of me.
I often listen to my kind of music and preferably, one of my favorite audio stories! Oh I love being read to. I tell my children when I am too old to be responsive, when they think the lights are out, just put on an audio book of any sort and leave me in my imaginary world, I will be just fine. LOL

So anyway a few days later, this dry and sunny day, I am all packed and ready to leave the office and the same young guy turns to me and sheepishly asked, “eeer could I ride with you?”
I turned around and spat out, “NO I would rather not!”
It was sooo quick it was obivous it came from my gut, there was not even time to think about it.
I surprised myself..
I could see the shock on his face,
I could hear the silence in the room as my other colleague froz.
I could feel the regret in my stomach that I reacted so abruptly.
I didn’t mean to, but all I could feel when he asked me that question, was the beginning of a bounding duty, commitment, obligation, a sudden burden, loss of flexibility and my freedom. At my age I truly cannot abide doing anything I DO NOT wish to do. I am far too old to compromise my feelings. As a shy young girl I would go against my true feelings for fear of rocking the boat, offending, going with the flow and all the girlish inhibitions I had. So as I attempted to make it right, I only of course made it worse. Another thing I still have to learn, leave well enough alone!!

What I should have said was, “John I don’t mind in emergency giving you a lift but I would much rather that we don’t start a car-pooling situation, I really don’t enjoy it”
POINT! But instead my defensive hormones (corticosteroids) just spat out NO!!! and shamed me!