I give up!!

Ever since I turned 40 it had been a complete struggle to lose weight. With most of us it is a yoyo effect but with me it had been a sneaky climb up hill.10 kilos a year!!!

Today how ever I had read!
Breaking it down slowly FORGET IT!! JUST GIVE UP!!!
Researchers, found that;

"There are actually several factors at play that may make keeping the weight off more difficult for postmenopausal women. Not only does motivation decrease after you start losing weight, there are physiological changes, including a decreased resting metabolic rate,

Appetite-related hormones increase. Researchers studying the brain are now finding that you have enhanced rewards and increased motivation to eat when you've lost weight."

PEASE!! I will never beat my self up again!!
Happy eating ladies!......okay don't over do it still do it with caution, 6 x small meals a day and EXERCISE
We may not be able to stop the pounds accumulating but we can stay healthy.Right!!

My spiriT is low and it had been low for a few days now, I knew the night before I didn’t want to go to work that day, strange to say but I just knew that I am not ready to face the world.

Last weekend was a drag even though there was nothing to be whinning over.

I had a fabulous lunch with my girlfriends but needed loads of coffee to stay on top of things.

Helped my daughter spring clean…..

Washed my car in the sun, great for my vitamin D but still, I woke and I still had the feeling.

I don’t have this often but I do every now and then. My partner expects me to always go beyond my limit. He pushes me just that little bit more than is necessary. In all fairness I feel as though I do that enough myself, and I definitely don’t need anyone to be pushing me beyond my limits.

I have a problem defining my limits any way, I tend to push myself beyond always!

So when I wake up and I turn to my partner and say “I am really not in the mood to work today” The last thing I want to hear is “Come on love …nor do I”

UP YOURS I am speaking about how I AM feeling, projecting how you are feeling does not help me.

So there I was at work totally frustrated and wishing I didn’t get out of bed. This is so not me I am not a crier!

When I was Little I would go aLong with what everyone was doing or saying despite of how I truly felt. I would pretend to feel a certain way when I didn’t share the ongoing emotions.

Even when I became an adult and was having my first sexual experiences I would pretend I was having sky high orgasams because I could not allow myself to be me and feel how I need to feel to really enjoy those moments. It was more important for the other to believe I was having a better time than I truly was.

This ability served to my advantage when I needed a job that I was under qualified for I would pretend I could do it, bluff a little and convinced those around me that I could do the job and I eventually did learn how to do it well enough that no one knew I was pretending in the first Place. I became very good at pretending and stretching my limits without it really being who I was. This would become an art for me. I became this pretentious person with these fused and crossed emotions and unable to differentiate between them.

What do I really feel?

What is my true meaning?

What does my heart feel?

What are my words to express me?

Often I would just come up empty, blank and frustrated.

Over the years I have tried to dig deep to where I am and tune into it, but a life time habit is very hard to break.

YEAH! THAT WAS NOT A GOOD DAY AND I HATE BEING SO VERY TEARFUL!! AND FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF!!

I knew a little walk in the sunshine, thinking of cheerful and happy things, would make me feel a little better, so I patiently awaited for my lunch break and did just that!

Longing!

I went to the sport school last night and oh my goodness I could just about manage to do 15 minuets trot on the tread-mill, 10 minuets on the cross-trainer and I went towards the bikes for the cycling and thought! STUFF IT!!! I can’t.

My energy was so low, I know it is said that exercising wakes up your happy hormones but saaaarry it doesn’t work with me!

Got home showered and went to bed. I am sooo not happy when I feel this way, already to cry, so I decide the best thing to do is sleep it away. Unlike most of my crones I love to sleep and can never get enough. It was a good job I went to bed early because after lying in bed with my partner cupped as a fetus to my back, I slowly got to sleep. There are times I just want to sleep ALONE! Bless him.

I knew it was going to be a bad night, when my evenings are soooo unproductive and I lack energy, it usually means I am not well, not optimal. I haven’t been for weeks, but last night I was tossing and turning. At one point I thought I was about to have one of my famous ‘attack’ where my heart would race and I would wake up my guy to support me. Fortunately for him I stayed calm and controlled it and drifted back to sleep.

The alarm woke me waaay too early for my feelings, I cuddled up to hubby for my morning hug and dragged myself out to the bathroom.

Nearly 60, surely all these stupid hormones should have calm down by now so I could be me again. What is me any way it has been sooo long I am not sure what my natural feelings are anymore. I would be lovely to wake and think "it’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining and I feel good, nothings gonna stop me now"