OXYTOCIN kicks in

I was not going to mention this, but I changed my mind.
I baby sat my lovely and youngest grand daughter a few nights ago, well what a night!

I sat down with the TV switched to the BBC because Eastenders was about to start, logged into my daughter’s laptop, sweets tin by the hand, I was ready for a night of full entertainment, after all my dear little darling always sleeps through in the past.
I was set, then suddenly I heard what sounded like a muffled sound, I did wait to check, I sprung to my feet and head for the door, I wasn’t sure if I heard any other sound so I sprinted up the flights of stairs.
In entering her room, I noticed she was gasping, arms outstretched, looking helpless.
She was covered in her own mucus, her hair, face, nostril everything. I quickly picked her up whilst trying to remain calm and consoling at the same time, “There, there darling, grandma is here, there, there”
All the time I am thinking, “What is this, food poising, bad baby food, allergy, what?”

I took her to the bath room to prepare her for a bath, when out it came again, ooops just in time for it to be caught in the sink, more of what ever was upsetting her. By now all her evening meal was out. Al this time she was just calmly watching my actions and maybe wondering also what’s happening?

I finally got her freshen up and she returned to her cheerful good humor, laughing and playing with her feet.
I had just finished changing her linen and was about to tuck her in when, I saw that look on her face, oops just in time, missing the bed and onto the floor, we didn’t quite miss her sleeping bag though, so off it went, wipe her mouth and on with a new sleeping bag.

My, my once a mother always a mother, I guess.
My hormones where not totally gone I had a drop of oxytocin left hahaha
My female instinctive nurturing hormone!! Yeah!!

But that’s not all, I decided I was taking no risk, I took her down stairs with me and we were going to be together on the sofa until mommy or daddy came home.
In the mean time I called her dad to notify him of the situation, deciding specifically not to call mommy as it would only stress her out unnecessarily. I thought.
Only I was in the middle of making her a bottle of Camilla / mint tea to settle her stomach, when mommy called, ooooooh, now I have to tell her! If I don’t she would never forgive me and it would be worst to her it from her dad.
I assured her I had it under control and baby was fine.
She was quiet, calm and softly said, “Okay I will see you when I get home”
Hmmmmm I know that calm quiet voice.

All this with little madam in one arm, so back to the tea, when ooops here it comes again!
But this time there was nothing more for her poor little stomach to give, she was heaving so badly she turned sooo red, I felt myself panic, nothing was giving!!
Oxytocin, kicked in, I stuck my finger in her mouth, she choked and very weakly spat out a lot of slim.
The next thing I knew I was putting on my shoes, her in one arm, grabbing her ‘baby chair’ and heading for the door, “Oh God!! My keys!!! Please Lord where are they!!”
I had a quick flash of running to the hospital, maybe I will be just as quick……..
I spun back into the room, my eyes searching for the eyes, my phone…….I needed to GO NOW!!
Found the keys, blow the phone…….out the door, “It’s okay baby…it’s okay”

Half way to the hospital, I saw she was back, looking around, looking at me, again possible wondering, “Grandma what’s going on?’
At the hospital she was fine, and I felt stupid, as though I was worrying over nothing, but I didn’t care, for me it was better safe than sorry ….then …ooops there it was again, I panicked within but this time the nurse had her and I felt safe knowing they knew best.
They checked her lungs, everything was fine, and she will be okay.
Phew! What a night!!

When we returned home there was daddy!!! To greet us, when it happened in his presence, I was calm, which assured him.
Phew what would I have done if I had lost my OXYTOCIN hormone?

Happy hormone reminds be how blessed I am

6:15 and I was driving to work this morning, feeling glorious, grateful and full of sponk! I guess my happy hormone "Serotonin" is working today and without a boost of chocolate!! waow!

My middle daughter and her family are on their way to England for a weekend away.
I called to wish them a safe trip, we were laughing and joking and I felt sooooo blessed.
Days when I am feeling good I can feel so happy for the small things, the things I normally take forgranted.
Today, the morning mist covered the fields as a thick white blanket, and the sun was raising her head above it in the distance. It was so beautiful, I could let it was going to be a sunny day.
I took a second to register how I was feeling and I truely felt great! My head was clear and I shook it a little to see how that felt and there was no tention, no cloudedness, no bloatedness, I felt good. Wauw!! I needed to note this moment because I tend to remember the down days sooner than the up days and whether they are more or less I would never know because to my feelings are that menopause isn’t always about feeling GREAT! I have to find the great to camouflage how I truly felt.
I am now at work, ready to start my day, the sun is now shining brightly through the windows at me and I feel blessed!
Thank you God for a blessed day!

Where did my hormones go!?!

I visited the doctor for the results of a very scary appointment to the hospital.
Where I had an MRI scan, a CT scan, a duplex scan, blood tests and metering of my blood pressure! (which was considered high, 140/95)
I related the experience to anyone who would ask me as a big M.O.T., as in cars; the test to see if a car is equipped to drive the road efficiently, without endangering its owner or others.
Well, what can I say, apart from the fact I felt basically as an old motor, no take that back , as a vintage motor! That's better, in need of premium care!

So there I was looking by best, freshly colored hair, plucked and dyed eyebrows, well made up, sitting next to my husband as we awaited to be call in to see the doctor.
Considering my restless night the night before, I felt at that moment pretty good.

Mevrouw Krijger?
I stood up and entered the doctor’s room.

She was a calm, yet rigged woman of about early 40’s.
She began by asking me to relate to her, my condition of the 7th of April, when this all started.

Now, I have some difficulty to ever recall anything accurately, especially on the spur of the moment. So there I was looking fine but sounding like a confused adolescent lost for words. I kept looking to my husband hoping he would spring to my aid, which he did a few times.
Bless him.
Anyway several moments later she preformed some physical tests of her own on me; like I had to stretch my hands out, closed your eyes, touch my nose with my right then left finger etc etc, all of which would determine how my brain was relating to commands.
Great ...so I was feeling physically fit that day………..

For a moment I thought she looked as though I was wasting her time!

Back in her office she continued to say that the test has shown several things that had caused questioning and she would like to continue the tests further.
WHAT KIND OF TESTS!! My mind was screaming.

‘Do you sport a lot?’ she asked
“Not really” I replied
“It’s just that it appears you have a big heart”
WHAT does that mean? Big heart, sure I am generous, willing and always ready to help but I knew that was not the context she was using.

“I would like for your to see a cardiologist, because there is also the question about a murmur we heard in your heart.”
This is NOT sounding good.
Before I could react she turned her computer towards me, so I could see what was displayed.

I quickly rustled to find my glasses.

“This is your brain, everything looks fine, no tumor, no TIA, although a TIA only shows when it is actually happening so we are going to give you another MRI.”
I'm looking at the grey mass in the shape of a horizontally sliced brain. I saw nothing except for a small and darker grey in the middle of the brain.
“And here” she continues "we noticed where your hormones should be, that it is empty.”
EMPTY!!! EMPTY!!! NO HORMONES WHERE HORMONES SHOULD BE!!!

Hello!! I could have told her that!! I have been saying that for months! But still my family doctor insists that my condition is not hormonal.
So like I am able to loose my keys, my phone or everything else that I loose, I HAD LOST MY HORMONES!!!

‘Oh really?” I said conposing myself “I thought I needed a test to see if my hormones were imbalanced” imbalanced! huh that's a laugh!
“Oh?” she said “Why is that?”
I was puzzled, if she had just said there were no hormones where hormones should be then why was she asking me WHY IS THAT!!!??

I give up!!

So I guess this motor is not only overheated but it has a malfunctioning valve and is in need of more test!!! GREAT!


Where did the spring go?
written by; Ray davies

Where did the spring go?
Where did the trees go?
Where did the sun go?
Where did the bluebirds fly?
Why did the rainbow turn into shadows?
Why am I cold now?
Why does my skin sag?
Why ain't my back straight?
Why do my feet ache?
Where did my youth go?
Where did my life go?
Remember walking in the rain,And getting soaking wet,
Now I got rheumatic pains,And I really do regret it.
Where did my teeth go?
Where did my muscles go?
Where did my shoulders go?
Where did my chest go?
When you were loving me,You were just using me.
You would employ me,You would destroy me.
Now all I've got are varicose veins.
Where did the spring go?
Where did my hormones go?
Where did my energy go?
Where did my go go?
Where did the pleasure go?
Where did my hair go?
Remember all those sleepless nights,
Making love by candlelight,And every time you took my love,
You were shortening my life.
Where did my teeth go?
Where did my hair go?
Where did my shoulders go?
Where did my chest go?
Where did my hormones go?
Where did my go go?
Where did my energy go?
Where did my skin go?
Where did my muscles go?
Where did my liver go?
Where did my heart go?
Where did my bones go?

Check double check

I am still not sure if blogging is my thing, because I would like to have a laptop so I can scribble when ever I like.

I have had the feeling to do an entry several times, like when I am in the car, or taking a walk, or.....in the most inconvenient times :-)
Now a note pad seems at hand and far easier, but I must say at all he above times I would not be able to jot down any notes either......hahaha silly me.

So I guess am I looking for an excuse not to give-in to blogging? Maybe, maybe not............

Anyway, 'Celebrating menopause' this is really to my children, for my children as they have had to live with me dealing this is for the the last 15 years!!
They have had to listen to things like "my head is growing on the right side!" or "my heart it beating so fast I think I am having a heart attack!" or " I am GOING BALD!!!!"

There are several more of my famous sayings, which only my children would remember and relate, as they often do at so many of our family gatherings.
If it were not because of them I would definitely not remember as I tend to forget things everything.
I don't just forget the classic 'keys', oh no, I would be driving somewhere, turn the corner and suddenly not recognise where I am, I would do a blink, check, double check action and I would zoom back to the present.
That is not even scary anymore because it happens so often. :-)
What is worrying is that it happens more often and now in the most inconvenient times!! In the middle of a sentence, whilst discribing thing or giving instructions and you have to laugh and juat say, "Sorry I just had a slip of a moment!'

I would sooo love to embrace menopause and become the little, crazy old lady but I can't even do that peacefully, without worry about my actions.
Aaach! What the heck I will take each day at a time and do my best to enjoy it!

It's been a strange week, it seems as though my intuition has been very strong.
I have the feeling that the things I feel, they happen and I am now afraid that the things I now fear may happen...............

I have to see my neurologist next week because I have had, what they fear to believe 'a baby struck'!!
It's scary to even think about it, sure I have not been feeling myself .......but a scan!!
I fear the outcome.

Okay, a scan can be good it could show that my hormones are in balanced...good...let's solve this anxiety feeling that's driving me crazy......maybe I am stressed....but if NOT .....I hope that they find the problem without it being anything drastic.

I feel sooo...stressed that my brains is malfunctioning and my heart feels very tired!!

At 55 and feel generally very happy, blessed with four beautiful children and now four grand kids, you just want to remain apart of that for all times.

Okay this is not the best time to write, as I feel buried by my darkness.
This is too much negativity to spread in the universe.
I had better hang.

A smile

Waow!!

Who would have guess??

Me a blogger, but you know, I surprise myself everyday!!

For one I try never..... to say NEVER as I have found I have the tendency to go back on it, as I am now!

When my sister bombards me with endless scripts of her thoughts I often think, "nice...and what do you want me to do with it?" or I may read it delete it or some times not.

Purely because I believe it is an imposition of herself in my space. (aaah let's give credit...sometimes she has some interesting things to say :-)
I have even thought that blogger's are people who doesn't have a life and should stop trying to bombard and cluster mine!!



But you know secretly I have always been a blogger, I have always kept diaries under lock and key. Jotted my thoughts and ideas down on every scrap piece of paper to be found.
Over the years i have had so many note books that I really can't keep count.

I remember once when I was very young and an idea came to mind and I had no paper at hand, I did apparently had a pen, so in the mist of the night, without leaving my bed, I turned and faced the wall, in the dark of the room and started jotting my thoughts down on the wall!

Of course I woke the next morning forgetting all about my impulsive efforts, only to be reminded by my mother's anger that evening.:-)

I scribble everywhere, make notes of everything, I simply love ventilating my mind, though not so much loving it but finding I tend to do it automatically.

To be discovering now that those actions makes me a 'blogger', whether I want to admit it or not, makes me smile that I can finally give it a name, put in in a place and enjoy doing it.

Feels good!